These “things” always happen to me: random observations

I mean well, I really do.  But sometimes “auto-correct” plays tricks on me.  A few days ago, this lady sent me a message about her teenage daughter.  “I’m so proud of her!  She just won another major award.”  In my reply, I intended to write, “I’ve always believed your daughter is destined for some really big things.”  But evidently, I hit a wrong letter, and the word “things” became “thighs.”  Gee, that gives the sentence a whole new meaning.  Sorry about that.

Same goes for this one: I meant to write, I met this wonderful gentleman many moons ago.  “Moons” turned into “morons.” That’s not quite what I had in mind.

Overheard from a favorite waitress:  “My doctor told me I have ADD-HD.  I don’t pay attention that often, but when I do, everything looks really sharp.”

A senior citizens group just invited me to speak at their next meeting.  The lady who called asked me, “How long do you talk?”  I jokingly replied, “Well, usually until people start falling asleep.”  “I’ve heard your speech,” she said. “That should take about ten minutes.”

Mick Jagger is now a great-grandfather.  He is still doing stadium shows with the Rolling Stones, and is expecting his eighth child.  My great-grandfather liked to whittle.

One of my fellow baseball fans asked me about Brandon Beachy, who used to pitch for the Braves. He’s now a member of the Dodgers, and is expected to join them later this year, after he recovers from an injury.  This reminds me of a story.  Beachy is quite handsome, so the ladies say.

When Beachy was scheduled to pitch against the Lookouts a couple of years ago (working his way back to the big leagues from a previous injury), my wife asked me to take her to the game.  She’s not a baseball fan, but she thinks Beachy is hot.  Early in the game, he was in the on-deck circle, swinging a bat.  My wife said, “Quick! Hand me the binoculars!” We were three rows behind home plate.

I have noticed that whenever a sports or entertainment superstar does something stupid, rude, or illegal, we always know what will happen next.  Their public relations firm will issue a sincere, heartfelt apology.

Overheard at the restaurant checkout.  Man to cashier: “Why don’t y’all turn down that $#@%#@$ music?  It’s too #@&%#@ loud!” Man’s wife to cashier: “Ah, don’t pay any attention to him. He needs to turn down his #$%@#$# hearing aid!”

Remember that old guy you used to ride with, who would point at every building, and tell you what “used to be there?” I think I’ve become that guy. Well, that didn’t take long.

Today’s grammar tip: never end a sentence with some random, unnecessary word or whatnot.

It never fails. I’m in the checkout line at the store, and I run into an old friend.  He’s someone I’d like to impress. His cart is filled with fresh vegetables, fruits, and skim milk. Mine is loaded down with Cap’n Crunch, mouse traps and a National Enquirer.

You know it’s the wrong day to eat at that buffet restaurant when the first thing you hear is a mom saying to her five-year-old, “Brandon! Get down off that food!”

I sure miss Skip Caray on the Braves TV games. Back when the Braves weren’t very good, during a rain delay, they would fill the time with a 3 Stooges comedy. Skip would say, “Now let’s watch the 3 Stooges…although you may not notice any difference.”

I just read two interesting new health studies in the newspaper. One says eating too much junk food is bad for your memory. The other says…uh…where did I put that paper? It was here a minute ago….

The other day, I complained about having “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift stuck in my head.  I couldn’t shake it off, because it’s a huge earworm.  Someone sent me the cure.  I played this video, and now I have a new earworm.  Play, and sing along.  I bet this one will roll around in your head too, and might even make you hungry!