Recently, the price of mailing a letter went up a whole nickel, from 50 to 55 cents. I remember the national outcry when it went up a penny, from five to six cents. “I’ll just drive down to the bank to pay my light bill, this is ridiculous,” some folks said. But eventually the shock wore off, and a few dozen rate hikes later, we still use the mail, at least now and then.
Remember when you looked forward to going to the mailbox? What wondrous envelope would be awaiting you? A letter from a loved one? It could be air mail from overseas, or just from across town, sealed with a kiss. Every day, the questions were the same: “Has the mail run?” “I don’t know, is the flag up?”
There was the occasional free sample. When I was a teen, Carnation sent a sample of “Instant Breakfast.” It was a packet of chocolate powder. Mix it up with milk, and voila! It became breakfast. For a kid always in danger of missing the school bus, this was a godsend. I still drink it today. I’d say Carnation recouped its free sample investment a few thousand times over at my house.
The cast of “Gunsmoke”
I also used to send off for autographed pictures. My fifth grade teacher, in an effort to teach us how to write letters and address envelopes, had us send requests to TV stars in Hollywood. A few days later, I would sprint to the mailbox for my 8 x 10 glossy of the Monkees, the cast of Gunsmoke, or Barbara Eden (Jeannie!).
Ken Berry of “F Troop”
Perhaps my all-time favorite was a personally addressed and autographed (“To David”) picture of Ken Berry, who then starred in “F Troop.” This was no rubber-stamped signature. It was just for me. When Mr. Berry passed away a few weeks ago, I found that photo in my stack of memories. I wonder how many other kids felt special, just because this man took a minute out of his day. As I read his obituary, I noticed that Carol Burnett called him the nicest guy in show business. I bet she’s right.
Yes, mail was once a lovely thing. It was an efficient way to receive and pay bills, but it was also our window to the world. Pre-television, it brought us colorful magazines with pictures of places we could never afford to visit. Before the internet, the mail carrier delivered weekly news magazines that documented history as it was being made. Our daily newspapers had told us what happened in Washington, but the magazines were special. Their writers were given a few extra days to think about it. They would tell us why it happened.
Of course, like everything else good, somebody found a way to mess up the mail. Before people got bold enough to steal directly from your mailbox, they devised ways to rip you off with a letter and a stamp. Fake preachers would send authentic looking “handwritten” letters to elderly people, promising them eternal life in exchange for their monthly check. I knew a few people who fell victim to this scam, and it still angers me today.
Then there are the so-called “legitimate” mailings. I was once a customer of a certain cable TV and internet provider, which is widely criticized for having the worst customer service ever known to man. I firmly believe the technical help calls shaved several years off my life. I was forced to speak to a guy named “Ricky” who had just learned English, well….never. This, after waiting on hold long enough to watch seasons change.
I finally came to my senses, and found another provider. I would say it was the best decision I ever made, but my wife would be offended, so I’ll rank it at number two.
Since I pulled the plug on that company, you can probably guess what has been in my mailbox almost every day. Yep, stacks of their promotional mailings, each offering me huge discounts and amazing incentives if I agree to re-sign with them. I grieve for the trees that have been sacrificed, just to send me the mountains of paper that clog my recycling container each week. Laid end to end, the mailers I have received from them would surely reach “Ricky” in India.
I have never responded. To be honest, before I would ever do business with them again, I would swear off television entirely. They could offer me every basic and premium channel for free, and even arrange to have the Atlanta Braves play in my front yard, and I would still say no.
If I ever do respond, this is what I will say: “If you had paid this much attention to me when I was your customer, I would have never left!”
