My fellow Americans. In recent months, you’ve been enlightened by political leaders, real and imagined, who have delivered the State of the Union, the State of the County, and the aptly named State of the State. When a governor recites that one, he or she should be greeted by Kenny Rogers’ classic hit, “I Just Dropped In To See What Condition My Condition is In.”
Since I have no domain to declare anything stately over, I will forego my usual inbox cleaning, and instead preside over a State of the Column address. I will use actual questions from actual readers and proceed forthwith from my imaginary podium.
You sir, with the checkered shirt. “Thank you, David. Congratulations on being America’s slowest-rising columnist. You have written some nice things about former Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee. He has published a new book that is getting national attention. What do you think?”
I should be finished reading it soon. I have requested an interview with Sen. Alexander, but considering the national media outlets are first in line, that could take a while. I have interviewed him often during the past forty years, and he has always been cordial. The big news from the book seems to be that he is “standing up to President Trump,” which he didn’t always do when he was in the Senate. I feel bad for Sen. Alexander, who is in political no-man’s land. The Trump party faithful don’t like him because he’s not “MAGA enough,” and the Democrats don’t like him because he wasn’t as anti-Trump as they would have liked. That doesn’t leave a lot of real estate in today’s America. Now, you, the lady with the pearls.
“Thank you, David. Speaking of Trump, do you have anything to say about the recent cancellation of Stephen Colbert, and the ongoing threats from the White House to cancel Jimmy Kimmel, and perhaps others who criticize the president?”
When David Letterman retired, I believed Stephen Colbert would be an excellent choice to replace him on the CBS Late Show, and he proved me right. Colbert is among our best comedians, broadcasters, and human beings. He has been open about his faith, the tragic life events that have shaped him, and his joyous relationship with his wife Evie is an inspiration. I do not worry about his future, his fans will follow him wherever he goes. I do worry about the 200 staffers who lost their jobs, and the historic Ed Sullivan Theater, that he transformed into a thing of beauty. I hope that’s not the latest landmark destined for the wrecking ball.
As far as the threats of censorship and cancellation from the FCC, and the celebrations by political leaders when opposing voices are silenced, that is a concern. My advice for those political leaders: If you behave in a dignified manner, tell the truth, and act like a role model, those comedians will have to find something else to joke about, won’t they? Now, who’s next? Yes, you, the guy with the purple tie.
“You media people are always writing about high gas prices and inflation. Don’t you have anything positive to say?”
Thank you for asking, yes, I do. I just paid extremely high prices for a pound of ground beef, but I also paid only 55 cents a pound for bananas, as I have for decades now. I still don’t know why bananas are inflation-proof, but to the banana growers, I say thank you. A grateful nation salutes you. Okay, I have time for one more question. The pregnant lady in the front row. What’s that? Oh I’m sorry. Anyway, what’s your question?
“You’re usually rather positive and optimistic in your writing. Have you seen anything lately that has caused you some concern?”
Not much, really. Except for that warning label on my new washer that says, “Do not put pets in washing machine.” And the big letters on the Pop-Tarts box: “Please remove Pop-Tart from foil before heating in toaster.” Or when I see election commercials. Or even worse, when I see the election results. Other than that, the State of the Column is good! See you next week.
