Welcome to election year. I know, if you live in Georgia, this is old news. Y’all have been to the polls more often than some folks take a shower. I can never keep track if it’s a primary election, a general election, a jungle primary, a jungle gym, a primary runoff, a water runoff, an election to fill an unexpired term, a SPLOST, an E-SPLOST, or a SPLISH-SPLASH.
I’ve had the privilege of meeting a few hundred politicians, from U.S. presidents all the way up to county coroners. Many of them are well qualified. But there are a few who get on my nerves. So it is time for another edition of “What Politicians Say, and What They Really Mean.”
When an embattled elected official says, “I am resigning to spend more time with my family,” they really mean, “I’m quitting before I get voted out.”
A few weeks later, when the same politician hurriedly accepts an offer to be a commentator on the “We’re Right, You’re Wrong” cable “news” show, the press release says, “It was a difficult decision, but after talking it over with my family, we agreed I should accept this opportunity.” Translation: “Wow, this worked out just as I had hoped! Now, I can make twice the money, and I won’t have to mingle with those annoying taxpayers!”
When you see an ad with a candidate saying, “You should vote for me because the president loves me,” it will be followed by an opposing candidate claiming, “Actually the president loves me even more!” Translation: neither of them has had an original thought since 1997.
When a candidate says, “I will spend as much money as it takes to win this election,” beware. Let’s do the math. If I’m spending fifty million dollars of my own money to win a job that pays $185,000 a year, should you trust me with your tax dollars?
When a prospective candidate says, “People are literally begging me to run for Congress, but I haven’t yet decided,” here is the translation: “I wish someone would beg me to run, and better yet, send me some cash!”
When a politician is confronted about a nasty commercial attacking his opponent, the usual answer is, “Oh, I had nothing to do with that ad. Some political action committee is putting that out there. I have no control over them.”
Translation: “Yes, I am not responsible for the content of that ad. In fact, I had requested something even nastier.”
When a candidate denies living out of state, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, things can get interesting. The candidate will say, “Here, I’ll prove it. All of my records that haven’t been redacted will show I spent the night in the state one night in 2019.” Translation: Sure, it was at a Red Roof Inn, but a judge, who happens to own that Red Roof Inn, rules in favor.
When a politician is accused of being “owned” by lobbyists, the response is usually filled with denial. “That is preposterous,” the candidate will say. “I cannot be bought!” Translation: “I am not for sale. However, I CAN be rented for a few days.”
When a candidate is on the campaign trail, kissing hands and shaking babies (wait, I got that mixed up), and is asked about being accessible if they’re elected, they will say, “I promise you that I will make regular visits to the district, with frequent town hall meetings.” Translation: “See you again in four years, suckers!”
That same candidate will pledge to always state their position on every issue plainly and clearly. But just wait. Despite being elected by, and paid by the citizens, that candidate is well versed in the old “sidestep.” You know, either answering questions with lengthy word salads, or refusing to comment at all. Try that in the real world. “Mr. Fancypants, did you take money out of the company safe?” “Uh….no comment, sir.” Welcome to the unemployment line.
This reminds me of a politician who held court at my family’s country store one day. After making a boatload of ridiculous promises, he asked, “Are there any questions?” An elderly gentleman spoke up and said, “I have one. Who else is running?”
