Just in time for Christmas, I have just published a new humor book called, “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat: David Carroll’s Ho Made Social Media Blunders.” Personally signed copies are available for $19.95 plus $5.00 shipping by clicking here, or by sending a check to my mailing address, 900 Whitehall Rd, Chattanooga, TN 37405. Here’s a sampling:
With the help of readers, I collect and publish misspellings, misinterpretations and other mishaps. Here are the latest bloopers I have found online, on signs, and in church bulletins. (My comments are in parentheses:)
“I wish the man on TV would stop talkin’ bout the windshield factor, and just say weather or not it’s gonna snow.” (Oh he did. You just mist it.)
“Always proofread carefully before you post, to see if you any words out.” (By the way, a new study shows 97% of Facebook users have short attention spans and often forget to complete their)
“I just got bitten by auto-correct again. I was sending a football message to a friend. I meant to say, ‘It doesn’t look good for our beloved SEC tonight.’ I accidentally hit ‘the X’ instead of the ‘C’ in SEC.” (For some reason he doesn’t respond to me any more.)
Newspaper headline: “Governor supports marijuana trails.” (As far as I know, this was a typo. If not, attendance could spike at the state parks.)
Overheard at the Post Office: “I need to ship this to New Mexico. Do I need to fill anything out, since it’s going out of the country?” (This would have been an accurate question, prior to 1912.)
“If you need tickets to the Braves game tonight, just massage me.” (Great! Now what do I have to do to get a parking pass?)
Restaurant sign: “Kids menu served to Children under 12 only. NO EXPECTATIONS!” (Oh believe me, if we had any expectations, we wouldn’t be eating here.)
“Why can’t Congress pass a budget for the next physical year?” (Have you seen those geezers? They can’t do anything physical.)
“I’m not sure I can travel for the holidays, I’m waiting on the results of my autopsy.” (If that’s true, I wouldn’t buy any plane tickets.)
“I can’t wait for the Kentucky Derby. I always wanted to do horseback writing.” (It never worked out though. I couldn’t keep the pen and paper still.)
“The Falcons need a new quarterback, this one has a serious problem with too many intersections!” (I could have run a cheap joke here, but I’ll pass instead.)
“Our hotel room was invested with bedbugs.” (Sounds like a bad investment to me.)
From recipe: “Be sure to use the right size tongues when it’s time to flip the steak.” (I don’t mean little bitty tongues. I’m talkin’ Mick Jagger size tongues).
“The weather man just said there’s an ‘outside’ chance of snow tonight. Isn’t that where it always snows? (I can’t argue with that.)
From a church bulletin: “Remember that you are butt dust, and into dust you shall return.” (For some reason, this cracks me up.)
“Will adding more installation to my exterior walls make the house warmer?” (Yes, but find someone who is qualified to install the installation.)
“I’ve got more collar greens than I can eat, come get some!” (And there’s no starch!)
From a church bulletin: “We need volunteers to help us finish paining the nursery.” (In fact, bring some extra pain. We don’t want to run out of pain, do we?)
“You can’t believe that guy. He’s a cereal liar.” (He’ll tell you he eats a bowl of Wheaties every morning. But I know for a fact he’s full of Froot Loops.)
Sign outside community center: “Bring your dog to our free rabbis clinic!” (Well, I suppose I could. It just seems a bit unorthdox.”)
Sign outside a polling place: “No campaign material or clothing allowed in polling place.” (And we had the highest turnout ever!)
Sign outside laundry room at hotel: “Laundry room closed for Satanizing.”(Sounds like someone made a deal with the devil.)
“Oh, I have some stories to tell. I could right a book.” (In fact, I just did!)
Get your own copy now, or make someone else happy for the holidays. And keep sending these in!
