Since everyone except the Pope and Putin have weighed in on the Oscar slap-fest controversy, I figure I might as well too.
Sure, I could write about something truly important, but why pass up a chance to comment on two fifty-something multi-millionaire celebrities reverting to playground behavior?
On that fateful Sunday night, my wife Cindy and I were among the thirteen Americans actually watching the Academy Awards. Of course, a few hundred million have now seen Will Smith spring from his front row seat, charging toward Chris Rock to avenge a tacky joke about his wife Jada Pinkett Smith.
The incident has been replayed, posted and shared to everyone not living in a remote jungle. You can’t escape it. Every major network has dissected the footage. I fully expect the Golf Channel to do a re-enactment, offering recommendations on which club Smith should use if he goes on the attack again.
The debate topics have been well documented. Should Rock have poked fun at Ms. Pinkett Smith’s bald head, the result of the skin disease Alopecia? Should Smith, who laughed at the joke until his wife showed her disapproval, have settled the issue with words after the ceremony? Should Smith have been arrested for assaulting Rock during the live broadcast, as anyone else would have?
My wife and I were halfway paying attention, as those of us with cellphones tend to do. As soon as ABC silenced the audio feed and put a generic photo on screen, we knew something had gone awry. Eventually they restored the video, and Smith was shown shouting at Rock. I’m not the best lip reader, but It was something like, “Sir, I take umbrage at your uncouth comments about my lady!” (Actually, I’ve been looking for a reason to use the word “umbrage,” and this might be my only shot.)
The whole episode was right out of a Jerry Springer show.
Come to think of it, the past few years in America have been Springer-ized. Everybody is screaming, cursing, and acting out.
From studying the slow motion replays, it was soon confirmed that Will Smith slapped Chris Rock. Yes, this large, strapping man who had played Muhammad Ali in a movie, slapped an older, smaller man. (Best line I’ve seen so far: What did police find when they dusted Chris Rock’s face? Fresh prints. I wish I could take credit for that).
While some have expressed admiration for Smith’s apparent chivalry, I’m still trying to figure out the slap. I have seen all 434 episodes of “Bonanza,” many of which featured the giant Hoss Cartwright defending a woman’s honor by exacting vengeance on some scruffy lowlife who dared insult a lady. Never once did Hoss utilize an open-hand slap.
Nope, the big cowboy charged up, much like Will Smith, but with fists a’ flying. If Hoss had slapped an outlaw, he would have been laughed off the Ponderosa.
Cindy reminded me of the one time I was in a similar situation, and forever became her hero. Early in our marriage, I emceed a charity event called the Kudzu Ball, which was a parody of a high-society gala known as the Cotton Ball. There was a costume contest, and Cindy, dressed as “Kudzilla” was among the winners.
Me with Kudzilla
After the show, some drunk confronted her and complained that she won because of her relation to me. Her integrity was being questioned! I leapt into action, getting in the guy’s face, ready to go toe-to-toe. Now keep in mind that I am not a fighter. Physically, I’m as intimidating as Don Knotts in his Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes. 
Surprisingly, the guy backed away and apologized, while I strutted around like Foghorn Leghorn.
To be honest, I don’t know what I would have done had the situation escalated, but there would have been no slapping.
By the time you read this, I’m sure Will Smith’s public relations team will have apologized to Chris Rock’s team (and vice versa), and they will likely star in a movie together to cash in on the notoriety.
And, the next time the far more acerbic comedian Ricky Gervais hosts an awards show, he will be surrounded by armed guards.
For the past two years, we have craved normalcy, looking forward to the day when we could talk about something, anything besides COVID-19. In a weird sort of way, we got our wish.
Very entertaining analysis;; excellent use of “umbrage” and “uncouth” in the same sentence.
I’m waiting for Will and the Rock to team up against Harry Thornton and Jackie Fago in an Australian tag team match. No holds barred, winner take all. Remodel Memorial Auditorium and make it happen David!
Spot on! Or ‘splat’ on!
I’m so glad you mentioned the”slap” . Ian reminded about the time my husband asked my permission to beat up someone who had insulted me. I can assure you, there would have been no slap. Maybe he was trying to imitate his wife, had she gone on stage and done it herself. I still haven’t figured out why this was insulting, even if Rock had known she had alopecia . But, apparently , he didn’t know. Then, neither did I, along with millions of other people in the world. Geez ! A slap!