Recently I wrote about a “dream” press conference involving the two leading candidates in the 2024 presidential election. The response was whelming. I wouldn’t say overwhelming, but literally tens of…well, tens of people told me to keep on dreaming. So, I slept really hard, and conjured up a phone call with the Ghost of Richard Nixon. Ladies and gentlemen, the 37th President of the United States.
NIXON: Oh, no, not a reporter. I assumed that since I never see Dan Rather around here, I must be safe from reporters. Who are you?
ME: I’m just a guy from Chattanooga, Tennessee. And Dan Rather is still reporting at age 91.
NIXON: Sure he is. And you’ll probably tell me Jimmy Carter is still around, too. I never did trust him. He was always smiling. Anyway, what do you want?
ME: Well, your name is still in the news. Fifty years ago this week, the Watergate hearings were on TV and we learned about your “plumbers” who broke into Democratic Party headquarters, your secret audio recording system, and the massive cover-up that forced your resignation.
NIXON: You people are still hung up on that? I guess nobody believed me when I said, “I am not a crook.”
ME: I have to admit, most of us didn’t buy that. Although quite a few comedians made a fortune imitating you.
NIXON: Okay, so I made a few mistakes. Anyway, the TV reception isn’t good here and they stopped delivering the newspaper. So fill me in on what I’ve been missing.
ME: I’ll try. According to the internet–
NIXON: The what?
ME: The internet is an alternative to TV and newspapers, and with just one click I see you passed away in 1994. So we’ll start there.
NIXON: Yes, that Clinton kid was in the White House when I left. He was a Democrat, but he seemed rather mature for his age. How did he end up?
ME: His presidency had its ups and downs. We mostly stayed out of foreign conflicts and Americans made a lot of money. But he had a wandering eye and his personal behavior got him impeached.
NIXON: Ha! They never impeached me!
ME: True, but you resigned before they could impeach you, remember?
NIXON: Details, details. So Clinton eventually had to resign, right?
ME: Actually, no. Congress didn’t have the votes to remove him, so he served two full terms.
NIXON: Wow, things really changed after I left.
ME: You have no idea.
NIXON: So what else has been going on? Surely some other presidents have been in trouble, right? I mean, our club meetings are really small. Just me and Andrew Johnson.
ME: Well, most of the others have served two terms. Including one of George Bush’s kids–
NIXON: Jeb, right? He always seemed like a natural.
ME: Um, nope. George W.
NIXON: The party boy? What’s the world coming to? Anyway, who’s in my dear old Oval Office now?
ME: Joe Biden.
NIXON: Okay, stop kidding around. Joe’s gotta be 110 by now.
ME: Actually he’s 80, but–
NIXON: 80??!! Americans would NEVER elect anyone that old. Who did he run against?
ME: Do you remember Donald Trump? I’ve seen a few pics of you two from back in the day.
NIXON: Sure, his dad set him up with hundreds of millions in real estate. Why would HE want to be president?
ME: It’s a long story. But he was a one-termer; Biden defeated him. In the last few years, Trump has been impeached twice and criminally indicted twice, including 31 counts of violating the Espionage Act. He may be indicted a few more times and could face several court trials before the next election.
NIXON: So you’re saying he can’t run again.
ME: Actually, he’s the runaway favorite for the Republican nomination next year.
NIXON: Wait. You mean that even his OWN party isn’t trying to stop him?
ME: The polls say 67 percent of Republicans support him. In fact, his fundraising is up. Some say if he goes to prison, they would vote for him anyway.
NIXON: Okay, that’s enough. This must be a prank call. (CLICK)
