It’s time for another round of Facebook flubs, autocorrect accidents, and social media snafus, inspired by my latest book, “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat (see how to order below).” I will list a few of my recent favorites, followed as always by my snarky comments in parentheses.
Store sign: “Due to unforeseen circumcisions, we will be closed today.” (Yes, I’d say that was a total surprise.)
From Facebook: “I love the Super Bowl. It’s like the football season’s Grand Finally.” (Yes, the big game is finale here.)
From Facebook: “My husband will be out of work for a while. He’s got that carpet tunnel syndrome.” (I’ve been thinking about building one of those tunnels for my cat.)
From Facebook: “The governor shouldn’t pull any punches in this campaign. He needs to go for the juggler!” (And if that doesn’t work, attack the tightrope walker!)
From Facebook: “I can’t say for sure, but I think my brother has Attention Defecate Disorder.” (Believe me, if he has that, you would know.)
Sign outside private property: “Trespassers will be prostituted.” (Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but that seems a bit harsh.)
Social media sports comment: “Looks like our quarterback is out for the season, he’s got a torn ACLU.” (That’s too bad. He was leading the NAACP in touchdowns.)
From Facebook: “Being in the crowd at that Taylor Swift concert was like an outer body experience.” (Good thing you were fully clothed.)
Newspaper headline: “Pharmaceutical company shares sore after FDA approves new drug.” (But…I thought it was supposed to relieve the soreness.)
Newspaper headline: “Political group wants to abolish electrical college.” (I don’t understand watt all the fuss is about.)
Cleaning service ad: “We clean the whole house, plus we will satanize your bathrooms.” (What the devil do you think we have going on in there?)
Sign inside store: “This restroom is out of odor.” (Oh, I can fix that.)
Political comment on Facebook: “We have to find better candidates to put on the ballet.” (Definitely. They need to be quick on their feet.)
TV news headline graphic: “Local high school dropouts cut in half.” (I mean, we should encourage them to stay in school, but this punishment seems harsh.)
Facebook comment: “I like that comedian. He has a self-defecating sense of humor.” (But believe me, if you’re in the front row it’s not so funny.)
Facebook comment: “That drought-busting rainstorm was a blessing in the skies.” (Actually, sometimes a mistake makes more sense than the right version!)
Facebook brag: “I’m so proud of Jason. He started there as an intern, but after all those promotions, now he’s the head nacho!” (In fact, they refer to him as “the big cheese.”)
Holiday store sign: “We have lots of Christmas stalkings.” (I’ve always heard that Santa Claus is watching you, but this may be going too far.)
Newspaper headline: “Red tape holding up new bridge construction.” (I prefer steel beams, but maybe that’s just me.)
Sign inside department store bathroom: “Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.” (Well, if you insist…)
Sign at a national park: “Bears. Please stay in your vehicle.” (What a ridiculous sign. I mean, whoever heard of a bear that could read?)
Sign on a repair shop door: “We fix anything and everything. Please knock loudly to get our attention. The door bell does not work.” (You had one job…)
Newspaper headline: “Criminal court jury to try shooting defendant.” (I’ve heard of rushing to get through a trial, but y’all may want to slow down.)
TV news headline graphic: “Police are searching for a missing 567-year-old man.” (He was last seen January 12, 1625.)
Social media sports comment: “Acuna is finally returning to the Braves after recovering from his injury. I hope the fans will give him a worm welcome.” (I guess that would be a slithering ovation?)
Highway sign: “Slow Children at Play.” (Punctuation can be your friend. Wait, come to think of it, that sign was outside my house when I was a kid.)
That’s all for now. Until next time, be careful what you eat. I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
