How much father is it?

You can blame it on AutoCorrect, Spell Check, voice-activated text, or just plain old lack of spelling skills, but social media continues to be a bottomless pit of unintentional laughs.  Here is my latest batch of Facebook foul-ups and unfortunate signs, with my comments in parentheses:

“My son has opened a new auto body & gender repair shop.” (I can only imagine the parts department.)

“I may have to take this to the school bored.” (Well, can’t you act even a little excited?)

“He didn’t do nothin’ wrong. It was guilt by the sociation.” (Then by all means, lock up the sociation.)

“Anybody got some Rock-wiler pups for sale?” (Nope, but I can fix you up with a Jack Daniels Terrier.)

Store sign: “Boneless Bananas 69 cents” (Is that a firm price?)

“He better get his ducks in the road!” (Only if he puts a duck crossing sign up first.)

“I don’t like the taste of skin milk.” (Well then, don’t get the organic kind.)

“They’re having another meeting on gum violence.” (Will the rival dentist gangs be represented?)

“The team was forty points down and tried to come back, but their efforts were to Noah Vail.” (Maybe they should have given the ball to someone else.)

“He is being sent on a navel mission.” (I bet he will spend a lot of time on the beach.)

“How much father is it ‘til you get there?” (Not sure. Let me ask father.)

“We have a hugh wine collection.” (Got any by Larry?)

“We have a wine seller downstairs.” (Is his name Hugh?)

“I don’t mine at all.” (Me neither. Mining looks like hard work.)

“After the divorce, she through out all his clothes.” (Maybe threw the window?)

“Now that his business has closed, Bob will have to find a new lively hood.” (If you have to find a hood, make it a lively one!)

“We used to live next to a chicken coupe.” (Well, at least it wasn’t a sedan.)

“They said that woman at the Supreme Court hearing was the main senator. I didn’t know they had one of those.” (That means she was elected in that state just north of New Hamster.)

“I bet that car cost at lease thirty thousand dollars.” (Maybe you can just rent it for a while. Let’s see, there’s a name for that…)

“Congress would work better together if they would reach across the isle.” (How wide is their boat?)

“I am excited about my upcoming marriage to Sarah. I am proud that she is my finance.” (I guess that means you’ve signed a pre-nup?)

“You can always count on the United States Marine Core.” (Sure, but don’t forget the Armey and the Navey.)

“I’m going to prom with Brain.” (Did you misspell his name, or is he the valedictorian?)

“I thought he might remember me from school, but he didn’t even eggnollege me.” (I mean after all, I used to help him with his spelling.)

“We enjoyed the meat loaf at that new restaurant, but I had to pour on a lot of catch up.” (Still, it was a good way to ketchup with your friends, right?)

“I told them to keep my name out of this. I want to remain totally unanimous.” (We took a vote, and we all agreed, we were one hundred percent anonymous.)

“Her first husband was from one of those northern states, I think it was Detroit.” (No wait, that state is Canada, right?)

“If I win the lottery, I will just dye.” (Maybe a lighter shade?)

“People who don’t cast their ballet have no room to complain.” (But hopefully they have room to practice their jumps.)

“He is a sharp dresser, always looking very sheik.” (Maybe he buys his clothes in Saudi Arabia.)

“I want to adopt that dog, but I want to make sure she’s spade.” (Hopefully she will show her cards.)

“I need some new tires. My friends say Michelob is a good brand.” (There’s a good chance your friends aren’t talking about tires.)

“Well, I’ll just cross that bride when I come to it!” (Trust me, you don’t want to cross that bride.)

“I’ve got some shopping to do. We should go mauling!” (Well, let’s get the shopping out of the way first.)

“He’s in charge, for all intensive purposes.” (Is that like intensive care?)

“You lost the election, you minus well face it.” (So you’re in the minus column.)

“How many hangers do they have at the airport?” (I don’t know. How many coats are you bringing?)

“When I walk through the woods, I can see about 250 spices of birds.” (Don’t tell that to Colonel Sanders. He only uses 11 herbs and species.)

“I’m glad Christmas is over. At my house, I have to do all the rapping.” (Sounds like your voice could use a rest!)

And finally:  “Nobody should be forest to do something against their will.” (So true. And like Smokey Bear always said, “Only you can prevent forced fires!”)