I just can’t figure it out!

As long as I’ve been around, I should be smarter than this.  There some things I just can’t figure out.  For instance:

If the citizens of Lookout Mountain can pitch in enough cash for surveillance cameras that get the tag numbers of cars that are coming and going….why can’t we put some of those cameras on the freeways to identify crazy drivers?

There are still people who don’t know that if you “jokingly” say you’ll put a gun to their head, or strap a bomb to your back, you’ll end up in jail?  I just can’t figure it out.

Nor can I figure out why “Two and a Half Men” and “Two Broke Girls” are among the most-watched TV shows in America.  Year after year.

Or why Eden Sher, the actress who plays “Sue Heck” on ABC’s “The Middle” has never won an Emmy.  In fact, she’s never even been nominated.  What the Heck is wrong with those people?

And this: a local college student saw this post on his school’s Facebook page:  “The college will be on regular schedule Thursday.”  His reply: “What is the time they will be open?”  He may be “waisting” his money too.

I can’t figure out this debate on whether schools should teach cursive writing.  A disgruntled parent called it unnecessary, saying, “My children have already learned all the cursive words from watching the movies we get from Redbox.” (Thank you Phil Dyar for that one)

Speaking of things I can’t figure out: The Kardashians.  Their very name has become a noun to describe a certain type person. Last year, a buxom, curvy, heavily made-up beauty queen visited a local elementary school.  At the end of her speech, she took questions from the kids.  A fourth-grade boy, serious as he could be, asked, “Are you a Kardashian?”

I sure can’t figure out the loopy roundabout at Access Road and Lake Resort Terrace.  I will drive around the world to avoid this.  Some well-paid engineer actually looked at these signs, and said, “Oh yeah.  Drivers approaching this for the first time will have no trouble.  No trouble at all!”

I can’t figure out why radio stations apparently think it’s a good idea to play 12 commercials in a row.

Or why Walmart has 32 checkout lanes.  About 27 of them are abandoned dwellings every single day, with the exception of Black Friday, and the day after Christmas.

Figure this one out: Justin Bieber gets released from jail in Miami, waving to hundreds of cheering fans.  Days later, he turns himself into a judge in Toronto on assault charges, and is greeted by more screaming fans.  Where do these people come from?  Do they have jobs?  Do they go to school?  Do they support his immature, dangerous behavior? If Bieber was arrested in your town, and was released from jail, would there be a huge turnout of fans?  I’m not sure I want to know the answer.

I can’t figure out why I have spent approximately 11.2 years of my life on the phone with customer service reps in India, going through various exercises while trying to revive my ailing computers and printers.  I have entered codes, inserted discs, and stood on my head while singing the National Anthem.  Nothing they’ve suggested has worked.  The only thing that EVER works, is unplugging the device, and then plugging it in again.  The reliable old “reboot.” It is the cure for all malfunctions.  So I have revised my will.  My wife now knows that if I’m ever plugged into a life support machine, and the doctors say, “We’ve tried everything, it’s too late,” she is to personally unplug me, and then plug me back in.  I should be good as new, in no time.

Finally, the inspiration for my “just can’t figure it out” rants.  Here’s comedian John Caponera, surrounded by fellow comics, doing his hilarious impersonation of famed baseball announcer Harry Caray, who, like me, “just can’t figure it out!”