Every few years, I clean out my pockets, and share the notes I’ve made while watching a few hundred sporting events on TV. I listen carefully to the sportscasters, and most of them are from a handful of families: the Bucks, the Carays, and the Alberts. I hear a lot of clichés.
In the announcers’ defense, they have a lot of time to fill. Each baseball game is made up of about fifteen minutes of action. The remaining time is filled with batters adjusting themselves, umpires waiting for a replay decision, and the latest time killer, which ironically enough, was intended to save time. It’s called PitchCom, and it’s connected to an earpiece in the pitcher’s cap. No more tedious moments watching a pitcher stare toward the catcher, trying to count the number of fingers, right? Instead, the PitchCom batteries die quite often, providing yet another good time for a bathroom break.
Football isn’t much better. Those four-hour contests allegedly contain sixty minutes of action, but we know better. The clock is running while the players mosey up to the line of scrimmage, and continues to tick until the play clock is down to one second, when they finally snap the ball.
With all that inactivity, it’s no wonder the announcers reach into their bag of timeworn sayings. I’ve compiled an updated list, followed by my comments in parentheses.
“Boy, that Adam Duvall came to play today!” (Yes, he did. He brought his bat, glove and uniform. Otherwise, he would have had to buy a ticket.)
“This is a must-win game for the Falcons. It’s do or die.” (I’ve followed the Falcons for decades. Trust me on this: They rarely “do,” but thankfully, they haven’t yet died.)
“This guy sure knows how to pitch.” (I really hope so. He’s paid quite handsomely to do just that. Most of us are on the sofa eating Cheetos.)
“Well, you can see why the Cardinals won. They just wanted it more.” (Nope, the Brewers wanted it pretty badly too. The Cardinals just scored more runs today.)
“The Braves just need to worry about winning today’s game.” (I beg to differ. They should go ahead and claim victory for tomorrow’s game too. If they lose, they can always say it was stolen.)
“Max is winning this game because he’s not trying to do too much.” (If “not trying to do too much” is all it takes, I would have made it to the Hall of Fame.)
“Harper plays this game the right way.” (Evidently all the other guys hit the ball, and then run toward 3rd base.)
“The fans are really getting their money’s worth tonight.” (Does this mean they’re refusing to pay ten bucks for a hot dog?)
“This quarterback has got to start taking care of the football.” (Isn’t that what got Tom Brady suspended a few years ago?)
“Johnson is slow getting up.” (Al, you try getting up quickly after being buried under 1200 pounds of defensive linemen.)
“This team just needs to go out there and have some fun.” (That’s what we did in third grade, but no one paid $150 to watch us play.)
“The Packers just don’t look hungry enough.” (With all due respect, they look like they’ve been well fed.)
“Well, you can’t blame this kid for forgetting how many outs there were. It’s a rookie mistake.” (He’s 25 years old. Don’t kids learn the basics when they’re in Little League?)
“Jones really brought his A-game tonight!” (That was so nice of him, considering the fans drove two hundred miles, and paid fifty bucks to park.)
“Smith is a great guy to have in the clubhouse.” (Too bad he always strikes out on the field.)
“That’s why they play the game.” (Nope. Fans bring lots of cash. THAT’s why they play the game.)
And my all-time favorite: “Here’s the key to the game. The Jets will not win tonight unless they put more points on the board.” (Thanks, Tony. I had no idea. I thought we could vote for them on our phone, like “Dancing with the Stars.”)
That’s all for now. I hope to return next week, but I’m listed as “day to day.” Aren’t we all?
