In Case You Missed It

Most people today can be listed among three distinct categories. A) They keep up with the news, and they’re generally satisfied with what they see. B) They keep up with the news, and they’re generally disgusted with what they see. Or C), They don’t keep up with the news at all.

No matter which group you’re in, there’s a chance you may have missed some interesting stories. It is my duty as America’s slowest-rising columnist to make sure you are aware of these stories. Since everyone else is writing about the shutdown, the demolition, the ballroom, the gerrymandering, the filibuster, and inflation, I will cover the truly important stories that are being overlooked.

Item # 1: SMARTPHONES COULD CAUSE HEMORRHOIDS. Dr. Alek Kanojia says smartphones are leading more people to develop hemorrhoids. This is a major development for me, because I never thought I would use the words “smartphones” and “hemorrhoids” in the same sentence.

USA Today reports Dr Kanojia stating, “Sitting on the toilet with your phone could give you hemorrhoids.” He says if you’re on the throne for a longer-than-usual time, scrolling through your news feed, your inbox, and the adorable pics of babies and kittens, you have a 46% increased risk of developing hemorrhoids. How he came up with that exact figure, I do not know, nor do I want to know.

Doctors who once had more important things to worry about, now caution us to limit our smartphone usage to under five minutes while on the toilet. I’m no doctor, but I might also recommend buying stock in Preparation H.

Item # 2: PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE WON’T PAY PAST PRIZE WINNERS. Say it isn’t so! Ed McMahon promised us we would be set for life if we won the sweepstakes. This proves nothing lasts forever. We bought a subscription to a magazine that has ceased publishing, in hopes of winning prize money that no longer exists.

John Wyllie of Bellingham, Washington won $5,000 a week for life in 2012. At the age of 47 he retired, intending to live off the weekly winnings he had been promised. But the checks have stopped, all of a sudden. No prize van, no balloons, no TV cameras.

The same goes for Matthew Veatch of Oregon, a disabled Army veteran. The New York Times reports that Veatch had used his weekly prize money to cover household bills, rising food costs, and medical bills. In his words, “They have absolutely ruined people’s lives. We’re in a worse spot now than we were when we won.” And if that isn’t bad enough:

Item # 3: AMAZON PRIME DAYS FACES SUIT OVER “FAKE SALES.” According to USA Today, Americans are being misled with fake deals during Amazon’s popular Prime Day sales. A proposed class action lawsuit alleges that Amazon makes us think we are getting a better deal than we actually are. For example, we are told we are getting 50% off a certain product that regularly sells for $99. But the suit alleges that the product usually sells for $69, but was raised to $99 for a brief period so they could promote it as “50% off.”

I guess I should have done more research before I bought that desktop vacuum cleaner and the toilet bowl night light.

Finally, Item # 4: CALLERS TO SOCIAL SECURITY WAIT FOR HOURS TO GET HELP. The Washington Post talked to many Social Security recipients about their experiences waiting “on hold” to get answers. 70-year-old Susan Kunkel said, “It’s like some kind of torture they do in prison to make people crazy.” Kathy Stecher, 72, said, “It’s a kick in the butt to people who are disabled and need help.”

They are referring to wait times that can stretch into hours, never-ending loops of music, and confusing robot messages that lead to nowhere. The Social Security Administration says, “We are improving our customer service and dramatically reducing the wait times,” but the Post says the agency’s workforce has actually been reduced by thousands this year.

Word to the wise: don’t wait for an answer from Social Security while sitting on the toilet. Your financial problems are bad enough, without having to deal with hemorrhoids.