Both leading presidential candidates recently underwent physical examinations. These were immediately followed by gushing press releases, assuring us that these two codgers are in peak form, seemingly ready to compete in the Summer Olympics.
Of course we see and hear these guys on a daily basis, and we know better. We see their awkward gaits, and we hear their frequent flubs at each campaign rally. We watch as their aides then rush to the microphone to tell us what Joe and Donald really meant to say. We are asked to excuse their sarcasm, their jokes, and their mix-ups. After all, do most Americans know the difference between Ulf Kristersson and Kris Kristofferson? One is the Prime Minister of Sweden, and the other wrote “Me and Bobby McGee.” Do you think our two candidates could answer that correctly? Want to put money on it? Didn’t think so.
On the positive side, I’m impressed with the energy of the 77-year-old Trump, who can campaign for days on end with no apparent fatigue. If I make two 30-minute speeches in a single day, I feel like I’ve been laying railroad ties in the desert.
And yes, Biden is 81, and he will occasionally slip up. But unlike me, he still rides a bike, and says he works out every day. My daily walks basically ended when the remote control was invented.
Trump doesn’t release a lot of information about his physicals. Last fall his doctor described his condition as “excellent,” and wrote “he will continue to enjoy a healthy lifestyle for years to come.” This despite the fact that Trump posts numerous photos of himself enjoying hamburgers and fried chicken, and former aides report he washes it all down with several Diet Cokes each day.
When he was booked at the Fulton County Jail in September, he self-reported his height and weight as 6-foot-3 and 215 pounds, about the size of a college football wide receiver. You can have your Trump steaks and Trump wine. I want the Trump scale!
Meanwhile, the doctor who gave Biden the once-over assured us that we can’t believe our eyes. He said the president is “fit for duty” and there are “no new concerns.” I want this doctor to appraise my car. I’ve had it for 8 years, and I’ve put a lot of miles on it. Believe me, there are some new concerns.
All of this happy talk makes me wonder. Has there ever been a doctor who has issued a statement like this: “I am Candidate Sidestep’s physician, and I’ve got to tell you, I barely recognized him when he stumbled into my office. I should have realized something was wrong when he called me Uncle Cyrus, and asked me what time the movie would start. During the cognitive exam, he identified a giraffe as Pat Sajak, and his body temperature was the same as the beer cave at the 7-11. I advised him to not buy any green bananas and to get his affairs in order. In summary, I do not believe he could handle the duties of the presidency. In fact, I would not let him use a cell phone, because he grabbed mine and tried to shave with it.”
I’m glad my personal physician is honest. Brutally honest. I’ve had to cut back on fast food visits, because he says I don’t have enough blood in my ketchup stream. He told me my weight is perfect, if I can somehow manage to grow four inches taller.
He insists that I undergo cognitive tests, and unlike those of our presidential candidates, I am confident enough in my sanity to reveal the results publicly. That doesn’t mean I actually believe the findings. The doctor said I’m getting to the point that I frequently repeat myself. That’s a bunch of bull! He also said I’m getting to the point that I frequently repeat myself.
But I’m not one of the guys asking you to entrust me with the nuclear codes for the next four years. If you believe their doctors, no matter which one you elect, those codes will be in the hands of someone who is in excellent condition and fit for duty.
