Let’s Legalize Marinara

Well, this is embarrassing. I got a very kind email from a loyal reader who wrote, “I really enjoy your columns. You make me laugh every week.” This concerns me, because I don’t always try to be funny. Does this mean my serious musings are unintentionally hilarious? Oh well, so much for my goal of being the next George Will.

But since most of our current news stories make you want to cry or scream, here’s my occasional off-the-rails column. It’s the 11^th edition of Facebook flubs, social media mishaps, and Auto Correct accidents. (As always, my wise guy responses are in parentheses.) Buckle up.

First, a few from the education beat. “My English teacher gave me a failing grade on that test. She says I need to learn more about past tents.” (Sounds more like a history lesson to me.)

“Why are they making us go to school tomorrow? It don’t make any since.” (I think you just answered your own question.)

“The news said schools was closed in clement weather. I thought it was because of snow.” (Just get out there and shovel some clement.)

“I don’t think schools should teach cursive writing. My kids have learned enough cursive words from those movies we get at Red Box.” (Who taught Samuel L. Jackson all those cursive words anyway?)

“Why do they keep saying that bullies pray on smaller children? I didn’t think they allowed that in school.” (And make them pray on somebody their own size!)

“So they really clothes school tomorrow?” (Yep. They will shirt it down.)

Protest sign about masks outside school board meeting: “ARE KIDS, ARE CHOICE!” (You ARE kidding, right?)

Fast food restaurant sign: “Are milk shake machine is broken.” (Are education system is struggling too.)

“They’re doing another quarterly inspection of that bridge, and it is so annoying. Do they really have to do this twice a year?” (The teacher covered this in arithmetic class, but that’s when you were out with the measles, right?)

Parking lot sign: If you park here, your car will be toad.” (But if you kiss it, it will turn into a handsome prince.)

“I will not tolerate fowl language.” (Except of course, in the chicken house.)

“We are having some really shirty weather.” (Be more specific. T-shirty? Sweat shirty?)

“He should be in solitaire confinement.” (Only problem is, he’s not playing with a full deck.)

“Does the stuppidity ever end?” (Judging from this, apparently not.)

“I don’t understand why it’s taking so long to legalize marinara!” (Congress has to vote on salsa first.)

“May the raft of God come down on them!” (We tried to find Noah’s Ark, but this will do.)

“Two of my friends are now band from Twitter.” (That’s great! What kind of music do they play?)

“Ask the waitress to bring the steak sauce with your meal. That will savor some trouble.” (And Lord knows we savor trouble.)

“I saw where they just arrested five people in a math lab bust.” (Something about this story doesn’t add up.)

“I really like the way he presents the news. He seems so even-killed.” (I used to try to be even-killed, but it seemed so dangerous.)

“All these miles have really taken a tool on my truck.” (If it keeps breaking down, I may take a sledge hammer to it.”

“I’ve had to use a lot of disaffected spray.” (I hear it kills germs on multiple services.)

“No way am I getting that vaccine. It hasn’t even been approved by the FDIC.” (Not to mention the FAA, the FCC, the FHA and the 4-H Club.”)

“They said they were going to dispose the witnesses. I thought they would at least testify, or be interviewed.” (Nope, they just put ‘em in those big containers outside the courthouse.)

“That pic you sent of your dinner plate looks so tasty. Bone apple tea!” (French is such an appetizing language.)

“Please be careful when hiking. This is peak breading season for snakes!” (And if you grab one of their onion rings, they will not be happy.)

“I can’t decide between apple pie and coconut cake. Tell me, what’s your favorite desert?” (I’ve always been partial towards the Sahara, but my wife can’t get enough of the Gobi.)

“Remember when we used to put all of our secrets in our dairy?” (Sure do. And those cows never told a soul.)

“The Falcons could exercise their demons with a victory over the Bucs.” (It would serve those demons right. They need a good workout.)

“I will be going in late to work tomorrow. I have a dentist opponent.” (Good luck to you, I hope you win!)

That’s all for now. If you see something funny, send it to me. I believe that laughter is good, not just in this town, but for the nation as a hole.