With the help of readers, I collect misspellings, misinterpretations and other mishaps. As you’ll see at the end of this column, I even published an entire book of them! Here are the latest bloopers I have found online, and in stores. (My comments are in parentheses:)
Facebook post: “My favorite movie of all time is Benji. It is truly so touching and heart worming.”(I think this review must have been written by a veterinarian.)
Woman writing on a clothing website: “I am short wasted, an I am looking for a sweater that will cover my mid drift.” (I speak for many when I say our mid has drifted, but you may not want to order anything online when you’re wasted.)
In need of cooking advice: “Mama said this recipe calls for bacon powder, but I can’t find that in any store.” (Have you tried the Piggly Wiggly?)
A frustrated mom on Facebook: “I swear my son has the attention span of a gnat. I need to get him tested for OC/DC.” (Hey, that was my favorite band in the 70s!)
Facebook rant: “My insurance adjuster denied our claim because he said the damage was caused by an active God.” (Take that, all you people who think God is inactive.)
Holiday Facebook post: “I have the best boyfriend. For Christmas, he got me neckless!” (Sounds painful to me, but then I don’t really understand kids these days.)
Another holiday post: “What a great New Year’s feast we had. My grandmother makes the best black eye peas and color greens!” (I hope you collared her in the kitchen to give her a hug.)
On an outdoor sports website: “I don’t shop in those high price stores. I bought a used rifle in a pond shop.” (See, it pays to fish around for a good deal.)
Posted on a neighborhood watch site: “Y’all be on the lookout. If your car is in the driveway some thief will try to steal your catholic converter.” (Gotta watch those Episcopalians.)
Looking for advice on Facebook: “I need to get a tooth pulled today, but it’ll have to be after school, and I need to be at work by 6. I’m worried about the anastasia not wearing off in time. What time should I make the appointment for?” (I’d ask for tooth hurty.)
From Reddit: “Can someone give me the name of a person who can come to my house and clean my ducks? (This person needs to get his ducts in a row.)
From Facebook: “On TV they were talking about some restaurant that serves toe food. Seriously? Why would anyone eat that?” (Don’t knock it until you try it. I think it’s finger-lickin’ good.)
Sign on bathroom wall: “Please turn off the exhausted fan when you leave.” (I guess it’s tired from running all the time.)
Seeking advice on Facebook: “I used to hear Bob Barker telling us to get our pets sprayed or neutered. What’s in the spray?” (You are the reason manufacturers have to apply labels that say, “Do Not Allow Children to Play in Dishwasher.”)
Sign outside dry cleaning business: “Come in for cleaning, pressing, and altercations.” (The best altercations happen on weekends, when our owner is literally 3 sheets in the wind.)
Help wanted sign outside fast food restaurant: “We offer competitive pay and great French benefits.” (Yes, after work sit down and enjoy some baguettes and croissants, and wash it all down with a glass of Chablis.)
Facebook post: “I’ve been scrolling through Facebook, and I have a serious question about those who live among us. Is Grammer a thing of the past?” (If you’re asking about actor Kelsey Grammer, the answer is no. He is starring in a new version of Frasier. If you’re asking about proper spelling and punctuation in our society, the answer is yes. It is long gone.)
From a pre-school newsletter: “We are looking for a 2-year-old teacher, some experience preferred.” (I’d heard about child labor issues in other countries, but I never thought I’d see it here.)
Seen any unintentionally funny stuff lately? Send it to me, so we can keep sharing these laughs. And check out my book, “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat.”
