Neither for President!

Recently I wrote a column titled, “I Could Never Be President.” I listed the reasons why I could never be elected, and the fact that I lack the basic qualifications. Sadly, no one offered a dissenting view.

Nevertheless, I may have found a loophole.

A recent CNN poll (June 2023) reveals that 32 percent of potential 2024 voters support Joe Biden, 32 percent favor Donald Trump, and 36 percent say “Neither.”

It looks like I have discovered the winning formula. I could change my name.

Press release, September 2023: “After prayerful consideration, serious meditation, and absolutely no conversation with my family, I, Nick Neither, am running for President.

The people have spoken. It’s like McDonald’s has reduced the menu to 2 items: Soft-serve Sausage Cones and Shoe Leather McNuggets. Customers say, “I’ll have Neither!” I humbly accept your nomination.

By voting for Neither, you will elect a man who will not be in his 80s during the next four years. I am not being investigated in connection with any criminal activity. I have not sat idly by while my supporters tried to overthrow the government. None of my children have benefited from cozy relationships with foreign leaders or businesses. And I’m fairly good at reading from a TelePrompTer without creating a word salad.

Now let’s get down to business. When you said you wanted “Neither” for president, you made it very clear. You want a new start.

Unlike the current candidates, I can say with all honesty that I have not served for a half century in government. I have not built massive hotels and casinos. I am not (currently) a billionaire. I do not wear aviator sunglasses. I have never hosted a reality TV show. And my only hidden classified document is my Social Security card, which I never intended to hide. I just can’t find it.

I know it is important to have a good vice-presidential candidate on the ticket. Joe Biden says he will keep Kamala Harris as a running mate. Donald Trump has not announced his choice, although Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene reportedly wants the job, and failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake has expressed interest. My first choice was Carl Knorr of Knorr Foods, the soup and pasta company. But when I reached out, I learned that he died in the 1800s, making him unavailable. I am looking for another person named Knorr to be my running mate. I think “Neither/Knorr” has a nice ring to it.

I know that most voters who want Neither to be elected president are probably not choosy about a platform, or where Neither stands on the issues. But since the media will likely insist on knowing how Neither will behave in the White House, I’ll drop a few hints.

I have always worked daytime hours, Monday through Friday, and I see no reason to change now. I’d start my day at 9:00, take an hour for lunch, and wrap up by 6:00. This would of course include an afternoon nap. Trust me, if I have my finger on the nuclear button, you don’t want a tired, grouchy President Neither making a tough call late on a Friday afternoon. After all, I wouldn’t be available to correct it until the following Monday.

I would save the nation millions of dollars each year in fuel costs for Air Force One. You see, I’m not much on traveling. The White House has a movie theater, 16 bedrooms, 35 bathrooms, a tennis court, and a bowling alley. There are also 5 full-time chefs, and 100 butlers and maids. Frankly, I see no reason to ever leave the house. If Putin needs to talk to President Neither, let it be on his ruble.

I would appoint people to the Supreme Court who aren’t in it to solicit lavish gifts and expensive trips from their wealthy friends. If any of my kids asked me to help them bilk foreign leaders out of a few million, I’d disown them. And if I lose my re-election bid, I would wish my successor well, hand over the keys and leave quietly.

Perhaps those are among the reasons many of you want Neither for President.