As the holidays draw nearer, I’m trying to avoid negative news. That’s hard to do when you read social media, letters to the editor and certain columnists. As sure as you say, “Thank goodness gas prices are down,” someone will complain that they’re still not as low as they were during the pandemic. You know, when everything was closed. All that cheap gas, and no place to go. Good times for some, I guess.
That’s why I’d rather have a few laughs. You may think 2023 has been rough, but wait ‘til next year. The political ads will return, with a level of mud-slinging we haven’t seen since well, 2022. So before that stink show begins, here are some lighter notes.
From a recent supermarket visit: “Hey David, I was gonna get my husband your Escape Goat book for Christmas, but I couldn’t find one in the store.” I replied, “I have some in my car. I can sell you one outside.” She looked around and said, “Well, I don’t see any cops, so I guess it’s okay.”
From the book “Gatekeepers” by Chris Whipple. On a visit to England, President Reagan went horseback riding with Queen Elizabeth. The Queen’s horse took off with a gallop, farting loudly. Upon their return, the embarrassed queen said, “Mr. President, I am SO sorry about that.” Reagan smiled and said, “Oh my, I had no idea. I thought it was the horse!”
You know how much I love music. I really enjoy singing in the shower. But then my wife always yells, “Turn the water on!”
What is it about ladies, and their amazing sense of smell? I ate some lasagna for lunch, with extra garlic. As soon as I said hello to my wife that night, she said, “Oh my God! What did you have for lunch?” And we were on the phone at the time!
I asked my wife if she would get up at 8:00 tomorrow, on a cold morning, and cook me a hot breakfast. She said she would be on a 2 hour delay.
In the hardware store, the greeter said “Can I help you?” I replied, “I have a really stupid question.” He responds, “Don’t worry, there’s no such thing.” So I asked my stupid question, and he pointed me in the right direction. I’m sure that when I left, they all gathered around and said, “Now that was the dumbest one ever!”
I’m thinking about opening a doughnut shop someday, but it would need a catchy name. How about “Hole Foods?”
A new Norwegian study says men are more forgetful than women, and often repeat themselves just a minute or two later. I get so tired of these stupid “studies” that make men look like idiots.
I was sitting at the restaurant, looking at the menu. The waitress took my order. The owner came by and said to the waitress, “Did you tell him how excited we were to have a celebrity eat here?” “Well,” I said, “I’m really not that big a deal.” “Oh, not you,” she said. “Coach Kirby Smart was here last week.”
A new Norwegian study says men are more forgetful than women, and often repeat themselves just a minute or two later. I mean, seriously. That’s so ridiculous.
The latest public opinion poll shows that most Americans give hemorrhoids a higher rating than Congress. This just came out. You didn’t think I’d sit on that story, did you?
A nice lady just told me my new book “is a great bathroom book.” I can’t argue with that. It’s paperback, and very moving. I’m flushed with pride.
Finally, when I began writing a weekly column ten years ago, I told my wife it could go national. I sent a sample to several big newspapers. She was skeptical. One day, the phone rang. Caller ID said “USA Today.” I gave my wife an “I told you so” look as I intoned, “This is David, may I help you?” The caller asked, “Are you David Carroll in Chattanooga?” “I am,” I replied, “and the answer is YES.” “Great!” the caller said. “I’m Brad with USA Today. Do you want to subscribe for 6 months or a full year?”
