I have been updating my password list. It’s the “nuclear football” of my life. Without these passwords, my life would be limited to occasional trips to the fridge and the bathroom. Everything else would be unavailable.
When I heard that Elon Musk and his DOGE team had gained access to my personal information, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, I thought, he could track down some of my forgotten passwords and share them with me? That would save me a lot of trouble.
“Dearest Elon,” I would begin. “David Carroll from Chattanooga here. My mailing address is, well duh, you already know. Hey, any chance you could do me a solid? My Arby’s app wants to give me 4 mozzarella cheese sticks, but I have to enter a password I made up 10 years ago to get a free Jamocha shake. I’m pretty sure it’s in my government file, under ‘David’s healthy food habits.’ If you could text me that to me in the next few minutes, I could grab a snack on the way home. My phone number is, well you know.”
Of course, Elon is too busy firing bureaucrats and eliminating waste in government that will result in lower prices, while having no negative effects on our health or welfare. What a glorious day that will be.
But in the meantime, I have a suggestion for retailers who are constantly tempting and teasing me with GREAT DEALS: Stop making me jump through hoops to save a buck. Just mark down your prices!
Why must I be in your “loyalty club” to save money? In my quest to buy a few cans of soda, why must I purchase four 12-packs to get a decent price? It’s just my wife and me. We don’t need a lifetime supply of 7Up to cram into our jammed garage. It is already filled with toilet paper, pinto beans, and bottled water as we await the next pandemic.
Also, dear grocers, after we solve the “Do you have your store card?” crisis, let’s eliminate the confusing “2 for $7.00” and “Buy one, get one free” conundrums. Me: “This box of cereal says buy one, get one free. But I only need one. Will it ring up at the low price anyway?” Cashier: “Yeah, that’s just a gimmick. You can get just one box at the low price.” Me: Great. But this pack of cheese says “2 for $7.00. So can I get one pack for $3.50? Cashier: No, you have to buy 2 packs. If you only buy one, it’s $4.99.” So I guess I’ll have to wait for a “buy one, get one” cheese special. Or, you could just lower the price.
As for fast food restaurant owners, many of whom know me by name and can recite my order from memory, again, just give me a good deal. Don’t make me call that 800 number on the back of the receipt, or take an online survey, so I can lie about the temperature of the food and the cleanliness of the bathroom (which was last cleaned when Colonel Sanders was just a private.) If you can afford to sell that burger to me for 3 bucks, just do it. It would save your newly hired cashier from having to interrupt the manager, who is always the only person who actually knows how to apply the discount.
Moving on to the gas stations, remember when there was a price on the pump, and that was the price you paid, pure and simple? Today you need a degree from MIT to decipher the gas price formula. Let’s see, the sign says $2.79 a gallon. Unless, of course, you sign up to participate in the rewards program. Enter your phone number, your PIN code, your zip code, and Aunt Florine’s maiden name, and you can save 10 cents a gallon. Or you can wait until Wednesday and save another nickel. Oh, wait: add a car wash, and get a dollar off!
At my daddy’s country store, we paid the wholesale price for the groceries and gas, and marked it up 20 percent to make a living. No games, no gimmicks, no complaints. No kidding.
