My Surefire Political Predictions

Some of you may be reading this before election day, and others are reading it after the votes have been counted.

It really doesn’t matter because I’m unveiling my predictions anyway. I’m basing them on decades of political observations, plain old common sense, and my scientific polling of various living things, including people, animals, and plants.

First, I can confidently predict that those who clearly win their races will have full confidence in the election process. They will have no “fraud” complaints against poll workers, voting machines, or the dead people who allegedly vote.

However, I also predict that some losing candidates will blame everyone and everything except their lack of qualifications and inability to connect with voters. (That reminds me. Why do dead voters always choose “the other candidate?” If I were running for something, my feelings would be hurt if my departed friends turned against me on election day.)

I also predict at least one major runoff race, which will drag this tedious process into December. This means more TV ads, with unknown voices telling me how terrible the opposition is. Chances are, if he’s that bad, I’m already aware. Just assure me I’ll still receive a Social Security check, and that I might still be able to afford prescription medications. I would actually pay attention to that.

We will also continue to see commercials in which candidates tell us how poor they once were. “My daddy was a coal miner and my mama was out catchin’ chickens in her bare feet. I know what it’s like to grow up with snow blowin’ in through the cracks of our rundown shack….”

Okay, maybe you do. But just once, I would like to hear an honest politician wearing blue jeans and boots say, “I am a 4^th generation ka-jillionaire, and I inherited everything I own. Never had a real job in my life, and never stepped foot in a public school. My daddy was a US Senator, and the perks were really good. Free tickets to the college football games, national security clearance, and first class airline tickets. That’s the kind of life I’m accustomed to, and I feel that I’m entitled to it. Please vote for me, so I won’t have to wear these jeans and boots again for six more years. And you’re dang right I approve this message.”

I predict some really weird concession speeches, if anyone still admits they lose these days. I’ve always admired gracious losers, the ones who congratulate their opponent, thank the voters, and then disappear from sight for a few years.

I remember one small-town mayor, who had served so long at city hall, he thought he owned it. Well, one election year, the citizens sent him packing. He took it personally. His concession speech was short and sour. “Lord,” he said, “Please forgive the voters for they know not what they have done.” The voters may have been forgiven, but they did not forget. He ran again in the next election, and got beat even worse.

I predict that the winning candidates, full of cheer, will pick up their campaign signs within 48 hours. On the other hand, the losers’ signs will still be littering the landscape next spring.

I also predict that some of the sore losers will spout conspiracy theories, much like what we’ve seen nationally in recent years. No matter how many recounts prove them wrong, and no matter how many judges laugh them out of the courtroom, they will continue to disrupt, inflame, and raise more funds for their next campaign, which is already underway.

Finally, I predict defeated candidates, particularly those with national name recognition, will eventually lick their wounds and move on to a new career. They will become lobbyists or commentators on the cable opinion network that best amplifies their views. And, they will make even more money than if they had been elected.

You can see why I have full confidence in the accuracy of my predictions. History really does repeat itself.