What Are You Trying to Incinerate?

 

This just in: America needs a good laugh. We’re two months into 2021, and we now know 2020 never really left.

I am taking a break from the gloom and doom to write about something a bit brighter. At first, I was going to devote a column to my favorite cereals, but that would be flake news.

So buckle up for my tenth edition of Facebook Flubs, Social Media Mishaps, and Auto Correct accidents. (As always, my “wise guy” comments are in parentheses.)

“Believe me, if you misspell just one word, your whole text is urined.” (Especially if it’s THAT word.)

“God must love stupid people. He made a hole bunch of them.” (Anybody we know?)

“I am litterly so bored.” (I have the cure: Go pick up some trash.)

“I would love to come see y’all, but I am berried in my work.” (So you got a job in an orchard?)

From a 10^th grader’s essay about her favorite memory from elementary school: ”I always enjoyed showing tail.” (That might explain all those visits to the principal’s office.)

“He said the reason he asked me out, is because he loves my dairy air.” (Wait. What do you have to do with cow flatulence?)

Facebook political comment: “We need a president who can prevent a terrace attack!” (And he needs to protect the patio and veranda too!)

Facebook school comment: “That teacher says my son has 80 HD. Is that some kind of secret code?” (Not sure, but at least he’s in High Definition.)

“My husband fell and hurt his foot again today. He is truly accident porn.” (Please tell me he wasn’t making a video at the time.)

 

Help wanted: “I need an English Tooter for my son.” (Wish I could help. All I have is a Yorkshire Terrier and an Alaskan Malamute.)

Facebook legal question: “They want me to sign a wafer. What should I do?” (I’d hold out for a Chips Ahoy.)

“I wish summer vacation would get here soon. Us teachers need a brake! (I can’t top that one.)

 

Newspaper headline: “Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement.” (Something tells me they’re not finished.)

Restaurant sign: “Try our pastrami on a beagle!” (If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have the pastrami, but you can hold the beagle.)

Facebook sympathy note: “My heat goes out to you.” (And I’m sincere, I’m not just spewing hot air.)

Facebook COVID denier: “I won’t be wearing no mast.” (Those masts are kind of bulky on your face.)

Facebook argument: “So what are you trying to incinerate?” (Don’t look at me, I never play with matches.)

Facebook political comment: “I don’t like where our country is headed. We should succeed from the union.” (Like they say, nothing secedes like secess!)

Facebook comment to news reporter: “It must be a slaw news day.” (Hot dog! I could use a few of those.)

Facebook political comment: “They’re trying to still the election.” (Just don’t let them still your heart.)

“It looks like they would at least give me a constellation prize.” (I mean, I’m not asking for the sun, moon, and stars.)

Facebook political comment: “If we have to, we’ll go all the way to the extreme court!” (That reminds me. I love Diana Ross and the Extremes.)

Facebook political comment: “Whether they like it or not, he’s a dooley elected president!” (Hey, leave the old Georgia football coach out of this.)

Facebook congratulations: “They are the proud parents of a brand new baby boy!” (Thank goodness. Who would want an old baby boy?)

Facebook political comment: “Why does the governor want more tax money to repair our inferstructure? Shouldn’t they fix the roads first?” (I agree. He needs to use common cents.)

“I’m proud of Elbert and Esmerelda. They wrote their own wedding vowels.” (That couldn’t have taken up much time. There’s only five of them.)

Facebook political comment: “They need to end this Gerry meandering.” (I know, right? Make Gerry walk in a straight line.)

“Look at my daughter. She is the most precious little angle.” (Especially from the 45 degree view. From 90, not so much.)

“I’m having a problem with my legs. It’s my very close veins.” (Hilda, you’re a great cashier, but this is too much information.)

“My doctor said I have to cut back on sweets, or I will get ‘die of beaties.’” (Those beaties are scary. Almost as bad as cooties.)

From parking lot sign: “If you park here, we will toe your vehicle.” (And Big Earl hasn’t clipped his nails since spring, so this won’t be pretty.)

Keep sending these in, so we can share the laughter, the head-shaking, and the coffee-spitting. Here’s wishing you more of those slaw news days. We’ll ketchup again next week.