Who Else is Running?

Welcome to election year! True confession: When I was a kid, I looked forward to election day almost as much as Christmas. Working in my parents’ general store, when a political candidate would stop in to campaign, it was as if a celebrity was visiting.

Since becoming a journalist, I’ve had the privilege of meeting a few hundred politicians, from U.S. presidents to county coroners. Most of them are hard-working and qualified. But there are a few who get on my nerves. Here are some examples.

Mr. Photo Op: He’s the longtime incumbent who has never voted for a tax increase. In fact, he votes “no” on everything, and is against any new construction. However, he always smiles for the camera as he holds the giant scissors at the ribbon-cutting for the new school that he opposed.

Mr. “I’m just here for the free food.” He’s the council member who never asks questions, and rarely says anything. He does, however, enjoy the catered lunches, and will never miss the out-of-town taxpayer-funded conferences at expensive hotels and restaurants.

Mr. “I’m not a politician.” He says he’s a good ol’ boy, just like us. He once helped coach a youth league team, so he lists himself on the ballot as “John (Coach) Doe.” He doesn’t really keep up with the issues, but he pats everybody on the back, volunteers at the concession stands, and will buy your lunch. He has never lost an election.

Mr. “Doesn’t stand a chance.” Nobody ever sees or hears from him. We’re not sure if he lives in the district, or even in the state. But as sure as daylight becomes dark, each election year he shows up and runs for something. He’s usually attempting to settle a score, like for when the sheriff arrested him for DUI on a lawnmower. He never gets more than thirteen votes, but he loves to see his name on the ballot.

Mr. “Let’s Make a Deal.” He’s part of that grand political tradition: “What’s in it for me?” He’s been on the county commission for a few years, and people have started to notice something. He has a nice home, a new car, and he wears fine clothes. What he doesn’t have, is a job. One of his opponents charged that he could be “bought.” He took offense, saying, “That is outrageous! I cannot be bought!” After a short pause, he said, “But I CAN be rented for a few days…”

Ms. “Now you see me, now you don’t.” During campaign season, you can’t miss her. If there are two cars in your neighbors’ driveway, one of them is probably hers. Her signs are everywhere, and she accepts every invitation to speak. She is attracted to TV cameras like a moth to a flame. But when a tax increase is being debated, she suddenly becomes invisible. She dodges reporters with the skills of an NFL running back. When it’s time for the big decision, she votes “Yes,” and then sneaks out the back door. But just like birds that migrate north each spring, she emerges in time for the next election season.

Mr. “I was confused.” He votes for a controversial bill, and when there are unpopular repercussions, he pleads confusion. “I thought I was voting AGAINST it,” he explains. Oh yes, he will be re-elected.

Mr. “Who’s That Guy?” He hangs around the Walmart parking lot to get the 25 signatures required to get on the ballot. Ask him why, and he’ll tell you, “Because running for office is on my bucket list.”

And, there is Mr. “No Comment.” The most frustrating one of all. Despite the fact he was elected by, and is paid by the citizens, he will refuse to answer questions from reporters, or even his constituents. Try that with your boss, and see how it goes. “Excuse me, did you just take money out of the cash register?” “Uh…no comment!” Goodbye job, hello unemployment line.

Finally, a story from my childhood store days. A slick-talking politician rounded up some customers, and gave his campaign speech. At the end, he asked for questions. An older man said, “Yeah, I have one. Who else is running?”