My search for the perfect burger

As a news guy, I’m told to keep my political opinions to myself.  Even on the front lines of Facebook and Twitter, I have to bite my tongue on the topics of health care and government shutdowns.  Yes, I have opinions, but I impose them only on close family members.  As they would happily tell you, you are not missing much.

So if you need a break from the over-caffeinated TV screamers and posturing politicians, sit back and follow me along a totally different path.  I’m constantly, feverishly on the hunt for a great cheeseburger.  At my age, or perhaps any age, this is not the healthiest hobby one could choose.  But it sure is fun.

Growing up, mine was not a burger family.  We didn’t have many fast-food options in Bryant, Alabama.  My parents’ tastes veered more toward fried chicken, roast beef, potatoes and corn bread.  If the main course was a little too “country” for my tastes, I could talk my mother into a bologna sandwich, or grilled cheese.  I used to see McDonald’s commercials, and could only imagine how wonderful their burgers were.  Eventually a few Mickey D locations sprung up in these parts, and I was not terribly impressed.  Krystals were more commonplace, and in those days (12 cents for a Krystal, 17 if you add cheese!) they were amazing.  Not a true, big ol’ burger, but darn tasty.  These days, I still enjoy an occasional Krystal, but the quality seems to have declined.  The meat seems thinner and dryer, the buns not as warm and toasty, and the service…oh well.

Still, there are some amazing burgers out there.  Some are served up by locals, others by chains, and I love a lot of them.  Here’s my review of a few favorites.  I’m limiting my list to the sort-of immediate Chattanooga area, but I’m open to a burger road trip.  (Spoiler alert: there’s a secret about my burger-lovin’ life at the very end.  Until this blog, no one knows about it except my wife, my sons, and two co-workers.)  I hope you’ll add your own comments.  Tell me if I’m right, correct me if I’m wrong, and above all, if I left out any really good burgers, make me go there.  Now, let’s eat!

Five Guys Burgers and Fries:  I’ve never had the fries, they don’t serve half-portions.  Besides, there are free peanuts!  I don’t even know if they have a skinny-burger, I get the basic cheeseburger which is about the size of a football.  Two huge patties, juicy as can be, delicious cheese, and by the time they toss on the lettuce and tomato, it is outstanding.  Although I do feel stuffed.

Shoney’s, Shallowford Road:  I know it isn’t cool to like Shoney’s. Our town, and surrounding towns are littered with buildings that used to be Shoney’s.  Only a few remain, and the chain always seems to be struggling.  Not because of me, though.  I’m a regular.  The All-American Cheeseburger has never let me down.  Thick, juicy, tasty.  Goes down easy.  Fries are good, prices are average.  Dessert is the gold standard, Hot Fudge Cake.  The waitresses are the sweetest people in the world.  Shoney’s, you’re harder to find these days, but I will track you down.

With Nikki’s owner June Jones

Nikki’s, Cherokee Boulevard:  This diner is within walking distance of my workplace, and yet I go only 3 or 4 times a year.  That takes tremendous self control! I love the guys and gals behind the counter, the retro decor, the aroma, the grease…what’s not to love?  The burger is steaming hot, sliced in half and just the right size.  The fries are perfect, fresh-tasting, not too salty.  Plus: they still serve Coke in a bottle!  If there’s a better Friday “let’s start the weekend” lunch, I have not found it.

Wendy’s:  This chain made a few changes last year, all for the better.  The bread is buttery-tasting, the fries seem fresher and not overly salted, and the service seems faster.  Thankfully, they didn’t mess with the taste or size of the beef patty. It was great a few decades ago, and it’s still great today.  Good prices too.

Urban Stack, 13th St.: Mighty fine.  A big variety of burgers, all juicy, good service, amazing sweet potato fries, good atmosphere inside and out, and a friendly wait staff.  Prices are of course higher than fast food, but as an occasional treat, it’s well worth it.  I’m not in the Southside area all that much, and that’s probably a good thing.  I could spend way too much time here.

Burger King:  Now it can be told.  I have visited a Burger King somewhere in this great land of ours once a week for the past 20 years, maybe longer.  It’s my good luck charm.  Almost every Monday, and if Monday cheats me out of my BK visit for some reason, I’ll make it up on Tuesday or Wednesday.  Same order, every week:  Whopper (mmm…sesame seed bun) with cheese, no mayo, no onion, no pickle.  Fries and a Dr. Pepper.  Usually a Hershey’s pie (cold) or apple pie (hot).  Now and then, a stray onion ring will jump into my fries order.  That’s a gift from above.  The char-broiled burger is consistently good, I always meet nice people, the counter staff is great, and I even saw my doctor eating there once.  He told me not to tell anybody.

Yes, I left some good ones out.  I also did not include a few that are either consistently disappointing, overpriced, over-hyped or all of the above.  And sadly, I haven’t gotten around to all the good burger joints.  At some places, other menu items are so good, I have yet to order a burger.  So leave your comments and expand my burger-lovin’ horizons.  If I find a really good one, I’ll take my doctor there for lunch.